Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Unexplainable Pain

I have horrible coping mechanisms. It started right after we lost Toodles. I obsessed over a certain person mixing up the details and sharing the details as though it was their own story. I was angry and obsessed over that anger. Jim called me out on it and I think I've kinda moved on. The last 2 weeks I have chosen to obsess over everyone else's problems and ignore my own. Dealing with my loss is too much and I can't think about it anymore. So I surrounded myself with everyone else's drama and it's worked. I have successfully temporarily forgotten the pain of losing my baby. Instead I now carry everyone else's pain and guess what? It sucks, it's worse than the pain I started with. Losing a baby is hard, but watching all the people in my life hurt each other is harder. See, losing my baby was horrible, it was painful, but it was just something that happened. There's no good explanation, there's no reason, it just is what it is. But people... people suck. I have friends feeling pain I can't imagine, I have friends hurting people, I have friends calling each other names and gossiping. I have friends that are being hurt by other friends, I have friends that have lost hopes and dreams for their future because of other people's mistakes... and all their pain is caused by people, there is a reason, there is an explanation, it is painful and horrible and it's all because of one person's actions that hurts someone else. Why do we do this to each other? I'm no better... I'm so busy avoiding my own stuff I've gotten myself into the middle of all this too. I've chosen sides, I've thought I was standing up for the hurt but in the process I'm really just hurting the other person and the cycle never ends. I don't know how to make it all stop so I carry the pain as my own and it hurts. I'm burnt out. The worst part of this whole thing is there is not a single person that is going to read this and think it's not about them or that they at least know who I'm talking about, and you're kinda right. I do have exact situations and stories in mind, but there's not just one, there's not just 5, remember I said I buried myself in this right? This is how I'm coping. feeling everyone else's pain so I just keep hunting it out and man I've gotten good at finding it. But it's so much more than that, it's all of us doing it to all of us. 

Why?! There is real, unexplainable pain in this world, there are wild fires and cancer and miscarriages and apparently that's not enough for us? We don't know what else to do with our unexplainable pain so we hurt others because we can control that. It's all about control. All these pains around me have been around me for months...some for years... and I've faced it a couple times and just moved on. Right now though, I'm not moving on. I'm drowning in the drama and I can't figure out how to fix everyone else's problems so I continue to let it take me down. But I can control this. I can walk away or I can speak up. I can continue the gossip or I can let it stop with me. I can call people out or I can ignore it. It's all a control issue. But whatever I choose someone is still going to hurt.

Sometimes I think the explainable hurts are more painful, because it means someone or something has CHOSEN to cause this hurt we feel. Someone took the time and the resources to make us feel this way. Someone actually wanted us to feel this way. But there is hope for this type of pain. Losing my baby... nobody wished that on me, and if they did well that's a whole other issue... but typically people don't wish that kind of pain, nobody did this to me, I didn't even do it to myself. I have nobody to be mad at, I have nobody to blame... but worst of all, I have nobody to forgive. How do you move on without forgiveness? I can move on from that person I obsessed about right after Toodles, because I can realize that person didn't do it on purpose, they weren't trying to hurt me and I can forgive them. They don't even have to apologize for me to give them forgiveness. It is a gift I can give anyone at any time but most of all it is a gift to myself. Forgiveness is permission for me to move on and continue my life without that pain constantly eating at me. But when your baby dies for no reason, when you have that kind of loss... who do you forgive? How do you move on from that? I posted the other day I was angry at God... but I wasn't angry at Him for my miscarriage, I was angry at Him because I was angry at humanity. I was angry that everyone keeps hurting each other, that there is so much explainable pain in this world and it doesn't stop. I was angry because I know how the story ends and I'm ready for that world. I'm ready for the explainable pain to stop. I'm ready for people to quit hurting people. I'm ready to see and live in His perfect world. I'm not saying I'm ready to die, or I'm thinking about dying even, this isn't a suicide note, it's just my dreaming of His perfect world and the harsh realization this isn't it. But only he can choose when it will happen and so I'm angry I have to live this life here and not there. When it comes to losing my baby I don't even have God to forgive, because I'm not angry at Him for it, I don't blame Him for it, and I never did. So who or what do I forgive?

While I learn how to move on without the gift of forgiveness, I challenge all of you in my life to please forgive each other, please stop hurting each other, please move on in your lives without that pain. Because when the unexplainable pain comes and it will, probably when you least expect it... and you don't know how to cope... I don't want you to be able to hunt out the explainable pain. I don't want anyone else to ever feel all this pain. So if not for me, do it for yourselves and your someday unexplainable pain. 

Heather, Jim, Anabell, Isabell and Toodles