October 24th- Rollercoaster continues

So after going to a wedding for my cousin this last weekend and having relatives I barely know tell me how much they love this blog... I apologize for taking so long to update!!! It blows my mind how many people really actually read this! I love it because its like a journal to vent all my feelings but I really didn't think people would read it after the first couple days, but I am always getting compliments on it! So thank you to all of you! If so many of you weren't reading we wouldn't have half the prayers we have and who knows where we would be! Above all that is what we are most grateful for and all we can truly ask for!

Now, for what you have all been waiting for... the girls! Anabell has had a good week and not a whole lot to update. My little 3 pounder is getting really close to 5 pounds and has the cutest little chubby cheeks and thighs! She is also not much for a girly girl, she is not shy about filling her diaper to capacity and farting whenever the mood strikes! It would be disgusting if we weren't so grateful to know she is pooping and all we asked for the first 2 weeks of their lives! She is getting too smart for her own good! We were trying to leave the other night and she was sucking on her pacifier, then as soon as we would start to walk away she would spit it out and whimper so we had to come back and put it back in her mouth and reassure her we would be back the next day. Go to walk away and repeat. After I fell for it a good 5 times Jim went to say goodbye and totally got suckered into it too! She is just too cute!!

Of course, Isabell is a cute little munchkin too!! She hit 3 pounds today which was huge and pretty exciting for us!! I'm not sure if I wrote about this yet or not, but last week the doctors came through and were telling me how they weren't taking her off the nasal cannula until she hit certain criteria. Well that evening I was going to do kangaroo care and we went to take her onesie off and had to disconnect the cannula and her nurse dropped it on the floor. So while she was cleaning it up and getting a new one Isabell sat at 100% oxygen saturation and her nurse decided to leave it off!! She did wonderful breathing without any help all week! On Sunday they would have been 34 weeks gestation and their oxygen saturation requirements changed from 85-100% to 90-100% and she struggled once in awhile but was able to maintain. Meanwhile she has been having some tummy troubles and they are suspecting reflux but haven't treated it yet and are just watching it, but between that and upping her requirements she hasn't been able to meet them and went back on the nasal cannula today. It has been a really rough couple days watching your little girl be uncomfortable all the time and then get that put back on and be mad about that. She just looks at me with the saddest eyes all the time and it breaks your heart! Hopefully it was just a temporary thing and she will be back off very soon! I don't know how long I can handle watching those sad eyes!

Both girls have been working on breastfeeding but not very successful. For the most part I feel like it is my fault because I have such a slow let down they are asleep before they are able to get anything, but they definitely sit there sucking away. Saturday was their 1 month birthday and they both went to town and actually got some milk and we all got all excited! A little early though because we haven't gotten anything since but have a bunch of extra work now. We have to weigh them before and after each feeding which is just pointless since they aren't getting anything anyways. So frustrating! I'm starting to feel like a failure again, but at the same time I just hate that we can't even try a bottle til 35 weeks. I have plenty of breastmilk laying around and I'm willing to bet they would take the bottle just fine and we could think about going home in the near future! Instead we are going through this agonizing process of breastfeeding that just upsets all 3 of us and Isabell won't even try sucking anymore. They both just get mad and push away from me and I just get frustrated that I can't do it and get them home! Someone better give me a really good pep talk real soon or I'm completely calling it quits and they can bite me! The nurse today tried but she didn't have any advice on how to fix it so it wasn't quite good enough!

Some good and bad nurse stories for the week... Bad first... we had a nurse the last couple days that is a complete moron but pushed me too far yesterday. As soon as we get a nurse I actually know and can talk to about the situation she will not be near our girls again! Or if she works again and tries to be near them I'm putting an end to it there despite who is working. She is annoying and in our face all the time about stupid crap we are obviously doing... If we are giving a bath and ask for a warm blanket, obviously we know the importance of keeping our babies warm and don't need a 20 minute lecture after on it! That stuff is just annoying, but my final straw was when Anabell pulled her feeding tube out of her nose. When she replaced it she went from a baby that I don't know why but is in isolation and they have to gown up to touch anything in her corner to Anabell without washing her hands or even using hand sanitizer. Then proceeded to put a glove on one hand but never touched the new tube with that hand, touched the whole thing including the part that goes down my babies nose and throat with her bare hand! Plus the tape they use to hold in place she had to use 2 pieces of because she couldn't do it right and covered half of Anabell's face with tape, she stuck the tape on Anabell's very unsanitized crib bars before putting it on her face and never measured the tube to be sure it was going in the right length. When she took the old tape off she used a regular wipe and then wiped a bunch of eye boogers out of Anabell's eye with it! They have special dry wipes you dip in special water for stuff like that you moron! No wonder her eye keeps boogering over! Grr!! It was a disaster and it took all I had not to backhand her. (Sarah, if you read this, it was the same stupid lady you were so upset about on Monday!)

On the funny side... So we had 2 primary nurses that we like both of them. Penny is a complete doll and we adore her and Benish is wonderful with the girls just more professional than personable, which we can totally appreciate also. Benish was the girls first primary nurse and has taken that title very seriously. A couple times her and Penny have both worked and Penny was with the girls and Benish gets upset and then apologizes to us like we are getting screwed being stuck with Penny. Then Saturday night their nurse was this girl named Rachel who is also a complete doll and I hear Benish come in and asked Rachel if she was going to another nursery so she could work with her primaries. Rachel said no because her primary was in our nursery and Benish got kind of huffy about if they work the same schedule they are always going to be butting heads and she will never get to work with her primaries. Rachel took it very well and was trying to be nice but it was pretty awkward. Well I didn't notice it Sunday but on Monday I realized Rachel added herself to our list of primaries!! It was hilarious! I can totally understand where Benish is coming from but she has had similar conversations with Penny and can get really snotty about it, so it was the best sideways F U I've ever seen! "If I can't work with the girls because I'm not their primary, then fine, I will be their primary!" Now if it would have been the nurse I never want near the girls again that did it I would be freaking out right now, but being we really like Rachel too, its ok!

Anyways, I think that is the gist of what's been going on? Hope everyone is having a good week and the Vikings win tomorrow! I have plans to spend the morning with the girls instead of the afternoon/evening so I can A.) get a break from breastfeeding before I burn out and B.) watch the game of course!! oh and C.) miss crappy traffic! Hopefully I can get another update sooner than this last time, but in the meantime, keep up the prayers and God bless!!

Love- Heather, Jim, Anabell and Isabell

October 15th- Great weekend!!

Good morning! What a great weekend in the NICU!! We had a couple delays with breastfeeding but it worked out. We were supposed to work with Christina, the Lactation Consultant on Thursday but she ended up calling in sick. Then Friday we were going to but she got busy playing catch up from being gone on Thursday. She came in yesterday but we didn't know what time she was supposed to be there and our schedules didn't really cross. So hopefully we will see her today, but we have been doing ok without her in the meantime. After missing her on Friday the nurse told me to just talk to the girls nurses and we can give it a try at anytime. So Saturday was our day! Isabell ended up having an upset tummy and was puking everything up and then slept through all her feeding times. Part of the deal is they should be awake and cuing before we give it a try, at least without lactation for sure. But Anabell was WIDE awake and going crazy rooting so we decided to give it a try. She latched right on and I swear she knew better than me what was going on! She kept looking at me like "oh my God mom, bout dang time!" I have been so excited but I thought it was more about it being another step they have to accomplish before we can take them home, but it ended up being such a special bonding time for us. Then I felt extra guilty for not spending that special time with Isabell yet.

Yesterday when we came in Isabell was off her nasal cannula and breathing all by herself with no help!! Little rockstar didn't want to be shown up by her sister! "Yeah, she may be breastfeeding, but look at me!" Yesterday was also her bath day and Jim and I tackled that like a champ!! Haha, not! Poor Isabell! We didn't drown her at least, but we really didn't know what we were doing! I'm pretty sure she is cleaner than she was, but no guarantees! Unfortunately we also turned her into a popsicle and then she had some breathing problems. I think she got so worked up from the bath and then after being so cold she passed out and was in a deep deep sleep and forgot you still need to breathe! She got the nasal cannula back for a little while but when we left last night she was back off. I breastfed Anabell again last night and she did even better! She latched right on and had to of had one full belly between breastfeeding and they upped her feedings yesterday because she is gaining weight. She is almost 4 pounds now! My little chunky monkey! Isabell is right around 2 and a half pounds so she is gaining weight, but she has quite a bit of chunking up to do still!

I'm annoyed again because they got moved to another new nursery. It's definitely a quieter nursery, and ironic one of our nurses last week said everyone gets excited about moving to nursery 7 but it doesn't necessarily mean anything special, and sure enough a couple days later that's where we go! But Anabell is long overdue for getting moved to a bassinet but their new spot is right by a window and has a horrible freezing draft! She isn't coming out anytime soon if they stay next to that window! Not to mention, with a new nursery is new nurses. So far they are ok, but I'm so sick of just getting to know some and then switching again! I'm not having as bad of separation issues as I did last time after leaving Sue, but still sucks! Plus they switched resident doctors and I'm not a huge fan of the current one. The last about week and a half we had a guy named James who was wonderful at calling me every afternoon to tell me what they discussed in rounds and giving me the update. If I didn't answer he left a message so I always knew. Well Thursday a different guy called and filled me in and then I didn't hear from the doctors again. Usually the nurses are great about telling me whats going on so its not the end of the world, but its just nice to hear from the actual doctors that the girls are doing so wonderful.

I'm starting to get to the point that I just want to take my girls home and be a full time mom. I have always hated being away from them and having to leave, but now it just makes me mad. They are my girls and they should be with their mom and their family. I want to change every diaper, hold during every feeding, give every bath, change every outfit, and just be part of their schedule all day. Unfortunately that just isn't realistic while they are in the NICU, there is still real life outside the NICU. Laundry, cleaning, eating and updating this blog don't happen when I'm not at home. Then as much as I think I'm ready and want them home, I feel like the worst mom in the world and think I'm going to fail. I keep having nights that I don't wake up and pump all night which is not only the most painful thing for me, but I also keep thinking what happens if I don't get up with the girls all night when they come home?! That would be horrible, and am I relying on Jim to hear them and wake up/wake me up if I don't get up?! He doesn't get me up now, so what if we both sleep right through our girls?! I was supposed to get up and ride with Jim this morning since its such a waste of money for us to be driving separate and having to pay separate parking etc, and I totally overslept and missed that. Then when I did wake up and realized what I did I couldn't stop crying! I truly wanted to be at the hospital as much as possible today so I can be part of their schedule like I said I wanted and here I am 2 hours later sitting on the computer not getting my butt out the door. Argh, I just feel like a failure. I guess there is always tomorrow and the next day and the next day. I thought since the beginning I would spend all day everyday there and still have yet to really do that. Don't get me wrong I am there at least 5 hours a day, but normal moms are with their kids all day, not 5 stupid hours!! Especially when you have twins to divide your time, 5 hours is nothing and goes fast! Anyways, that's the news! Enjoy your Monday! God bless!!

Love- Heather, Jim, Anabell and Isabell

10-11-12- BIg day!!!

I am so excited about today!! I couldn't sleep last night and so I'm keeping today short and sweet! I know I am so far behind, but I just want to update the quickest I can so I can get to the hospital! A couple days ago we were talking with one of the nurses about what we have left to accomplish before the girls can come home and breastfeeding was pretty much our hot topic of the night... Apparently they don't usually start breastfeeding until 34 weeks because that is when they get the suck/swallow reflex. I was told about a week ago by my absolute favorite nurse we have had that if I happen to be doing kangaroo care and one of the girls nuzzles her way down to just go with it though because they can smell the milk and they are getting ready. Plus we Sue had talked about cues to watch for including waking up before feedings, licking their lips, that sort of thing. So I've noticed Anabell waking up and doing the lip licking thing and had been meaning to kangaroo with her for the last week and things kept coming up. Well Tuesday I did kangaroo care with both girls right before their feedings and noticed Isabell was starting to do the wake up and lip thing but had no real interest in me. But when I was doing it with Anabell she scooted her way down my chest and looked so uncomfortable but when I tried to move her she SCREAMED bloody murder!! Finally I gave up and just left her there and next thing I know she was sucking on my chest! Definitely nowhere near food access but like the nurses said, she found the right anatomy!! Well I was super excited but a little hesitant that maybe I was crazy and that isn't what was happening, or maybe it meant nothing and I was just trying to get my hopes up so I didn't really say anything to anyone. Well after talking to the nurse the other night about going home and everything she brought up that when they do start breastfeeding the NICU likes the moms to be here as much as possible to try and do as many as possible of their feedings. So I did some math and realized I am supposed to return to work 6 weeks post partum, and the girls will be 34 weeks when I will be 5 weeks so I would have a week to work on breastfeeding and then have to go back to work and in reality miss most of their feedings. I was super upset about that and called work to verify yesterday and sure enough my return date is November 1st. So I talked to quite a few people the last couple days which dwindled down to our social worker in the NICU and she followed up with the lactation consultant for me yesterday. Grace, the lactation consultant then came and found me in the nursery yesterday to let me know that actually occupational therapy had been working with the girls yesterday and they are displaying all the cues and they were planning on starting breastfeeding as soon as we were ready anyways so maybe the work thing wouldn't end up such a big obstacle for us. I would have started yesterday if she would have let me but it was getting late so we are going to start this afternoon!!! I am so so excited! This is one of the biggest NICU hurdles is getting them to latch and eat enough and be consistent in their feedings so they can go home and I'm just so ready!

I feel like the last week or so has been at a standstill because they are doing so well and breastfeeding really is  the next step but they weren't ready so there was just no news everyday. Isabell is still on a nasal cannula ranging between room air and about 25% but not anything they are in a rush to get her off of, she is doing fine on her own with it right now. There was talk in the beginning of the week that if she was still on it by the end of the week they might try giving her something to clear out any fluid that might be built up in her lungs and see if that would help get her off but like I said there was no big rush on it. Anabell has had her incubator at room temperature for almost a week now and usually after 24 hours they will put them in a bassinet but they really want her to work on growing not burning calories to keep her body temperature normal so they have left her in it for now. Isabell is really close to that point too but they will definitely keep her growing for awhile.

As for me for the last week, I've had a rough time I guess. I found a nurse I absolutely adored who actually let me hold both girls at the same time and didn't just hand us the girls and walk away, she stayed and chatted and got to know us, and then we moved to a different nursery and no more Sue. I've been completely devastated and Jim has been completely sick of hearing about how completely devastated I am haha! I'm just finally getting over it for the most part but I still hate our new nursery and would maybe feel better if they had any real reasoning for moving us. But they just randomly move the babies around and there isn't a given reason for being in any given nursery and its frustrating. Plus we are supposed to have a primary nurse for the girls that every shift they work they should be with the girls but so far we only have seen one of their primary nurses. They have another one but either she never works or she just never works with our girls. Again, super frustrating!

Also, I finally went back to the antepartum unit and talked to Peggy about doing something for my nurses. It was so sweet, as soon as I walked up to the nurses desk she jumped up and gave me the biggest hug!! Then we ended up talking for over an hour! I told her about how Wednesday used to be the best day of the week because we got to get out of our rooms and go to group and to have these other women to talk to was just so wonderful! Then I was excited to see the NICU had a group but when we showed up there was only like 3 people there and I was kinda bummed. First off Peggy set me up with Courtney our social worker in the NICU to get matched up with a parent that went through a similar experience in the NICU that we could use as a support person. Then she invited me back to Wednesday groups in antepartum! I wasn't for it at first thinking that would be pretty awkward, but then realized I had the experience none of the nurses or anyone knows about in antepartum and could maybe be helpful to some of the moms. So I showed up yesterday and only 1 mom was there!! But she was her own amazing story in that she is actually a surrogate and carrying twins and actually from Zimmerman! We had an amazing conversation and I was SO glad I went! Peggy did her usual chat with us for a bit then disappear but she made sure to tell me Carol was working and was sad I missed her the day before so I had to say hi before I left. So while we were chatting another of my favorite nurses, Kay, walked by and seen me and came in to give me a giant hug! Then Carol of course and while I was chatting with them after my other favorite, Cherie walked in! It was wonderful! I got to see my 3 favorite nurses from Antepartum and they all gave me giant hugs and were so so sweet! Man, I miss them ladies!!

So while I've been typing away I just got a phone call from the Academy and got the most wonderful news!!! They are going to extend my leave to 2 weeks after the girls are discharged!! For as difficult as everything has been and some of the hoops I went through, overall they have really treated me wonderful and I'm really grateful to all the time off they have given me. This has not been an easy journey and I probably should have been fired months ago, and thought I was, but they just keep hanging on to me a little longer. So, now I really have to get in the shower and go see my babies!! I can't wait!! Hope everyone else is having a good week and God bless!!

Love- Heather, Jim, Anabell and Isabell

October 2nd- Mommy's skills!

Been another busy week so far! Isabell is trying so hard to catch up to her sister and doing such a good job! She is down to high flow air and on her way to no breathing support in the next day or two!! Both of the girls had their picc lines removed yesterday! They are both getting their milk fortified to help them gain weight! Anabell is eating about an ounce every 3 hours and Isabell is up to 6ml every hour! Anabell is still working on maintaining her body temp and is wearing little clothes at least the last 2 days. They are still getting tested daily to see if they need to go back under the blue lights but the last 2 days they haven't needed them. If they have to have the blue lights then Anabell can't wear clothes because her skin needs to see the lights in order for them to work. One of the nurses has been great about trying to scrounge for matching outfits for the girls for when Isabell can wear clothes too! The NICU has quite a few preemie clothes the girls can wear if we don't want to bring any in. The trick isn't that we don't want to bring them in, we just haven't had time to wash them since we are always there! We do only have 2 outfits for each girl and I ordered a couple online yesterday so now I'm just waiting to get them all, get them washed and take them in! They are going to be so cute!! Either way, like I said the NICU has a bunch of clothes we can use so we won't have naked girls if we don't have to! Sorry, went off on a tangent, clothes are really the least of our concerns about our girls right now!! There are 2 teams in the NICU as far as doctors and care teams are concerned and our girls were team maroon but they were upgraded to team gold today! (I was really slow to realize we were at a U of M hospital and gold and maroon are their colors, so if you didn't catch that either now you know!) Gold is considered stable and doing well, so that was great to see/hear today! So far both girls have gotten pretty good at being super poopers! Anabell actually had to have a suppository yesterday but I don't think Isabell has had one in a couple days. Isabell wasn't feeling too good today and was kind of crying off and on and then I did kangaroo care with her and she was calm as can be and no more problems... went to put her back and realized she had a VERY large bowel movement! I have no idea where a baby that small made such a big mess!! At least her nurse today believed me that she had a tummy ache and didn't make me feel like a jerk. The other day I was holding Anabell and she was doing the same little crying thing and ended up spitting up everywhere and still not feeling any better. Eventually I asked the nurse if I could put her back because I didn't think she felt good and I was making it worse. The nurse asked why I thought that and I said she spit up on me and the nurse said well babies spit up you don't have to put her back. Yeah well if she was feeling better laying down in her incubator I feel better with her being there! Then when she did report she told the next nurse that "mom said she spit up but I didn't see it so you can maybe keep an eye on it but I really wouldn't worry about it, I didn't see it!" Argh! Sometimes I feel like I do a lot of complaining about the bad nurses or people I come across in the hospital, but if you had any idea how many nurses/people we see and work with in a day that are amazing you would realize the bad ones are really a minority. I don't mean to complain so much they just stick out so much more after seeing all the great people!

So I'm starting to figure out my role as mommy to these precious little girls! Mommy makes them spit up! Isabell spit up on me yesterday too! Mommy makes them go to sleep! Jim walks in the room and they are both instantly wide awake and all smiles, but Mommy gets within 10 feet and they are out like a light! Yesterday I was holding Anabell and was telling her daddy was going to be there in a little while and she instantly woke up and started smiling and looking around like "where's daddy?! You said daddy! I want daddy!" It was so cute! But when she realized he wasn't around she went right to sleep. Then when Jim got there he woke up both girls and I thought "perfect, I'm going to hold Isabell while she is wide awake!" Not! She was barely out of the incubator and she was back to sleep but Anabell stayed awake for quite awhile while daddy held her! But I won today! I know this isn't a contest, but sometimes you still need to be reminded your babies love you too! After I did kangaroo care with Isabell the nurse told me I should go pump because they don't have any more room for my milk but fresh milk is always best so they mix it with the frozen and it would be good to get some fresh stuff before we left. So while I was getting my stuff ready Isabell started crying. I started talking to her and she instantly stopped! Then I started to walk away and she cried again! Finally after a couple times I just walked away so I could get the pumping over with. When I came back Jim said she had cried and cried the whole time I was gone and actually just stopped because he had the nurse flip her on her tummy like we do with Anabell. Well she heard my voice and started crying again! So I held her little hand and talked to her and of course she stopped, but then it was 100 times harder to leave tonight! Everytime we tried to walk away she started crying and it completely broke my heart! It was such a good day with them and you think it will be ok to leave tonight because you know they are doing well, but then something like that happens and you just want to hold them forever and never leave!

I also had a doctors appointment today... I guess it was fine, nothing eventful, but I am going to continue on the blood pressure medication because my blood pressure was a good number when they checked it, but we are going to check it weekly. That is frustrating just because my blood pressure was never a problem and I really thought it would go back to normal after delivering and after all that was the reason we delivered right?! Apparently not my situation at this point. She thought the infection on my tummy looked like it was better but again I'm not so sure how I feel about that. There is still one little spot that I don't have feeling on and I can still kinda push around like I could the whole lower half of my tummy before, but it isn't hot anymore so another thing we will just watch for now. I totally spaced out I was supposed to have labs done to check my potassium so I can hopefully quit taking those monster horse pills, but I will just call and try to set something up this week or next week sometime, not a huge concern right now. On the bright side!... She was looking back to see what my blood pressure was at my first couple appointments, and I am down to the exact weight I was at my first prenatal appointment! Yay! I was lower before that appointment though, just because we were doing the Biggest Loser competition at work and me and my team were kicking some major butt, but I'm still pretty happy about that! Overall I did only gain about 20 pounds with the pregnancy but I would say 10-15 of that was water weight from all the swelling. Especially since I was discharged last Thursday I have lost about 10 pounds, but the swelling is pretty much completely gone so I'm guessing that's what that weight was. I was even able to get my wedding ring on today which was SO exciting! Jim worked so hard on getting that ring for me and it is absolutely the most beautiful ring I have ever seen so I was devastated when it didn't fit anymore! Then I realized I can't wear it in the NICU and I really don't want to risk it falling out of my pocket or something while we are there and I have to take it off so I'm still not wearing it. :( In case just taking the girls home wasn't exciting enough, now I have one more thing to look forward to when its time!

I think I will leave you with some pictures and a little story thing I found and call it a night! I hope you are all having a wonderful week and God bless!

Love- Heather, Jim, Anabell and Isabell

Having a Baby is Like Planning a Vacation!

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland?" I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy. But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.

But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Written by Emily Perl Kingsley

 

Mom getting to hold Isabell for the first time!

Anabell wide awake for daddy of course!

Isabell with the little hat the nurse found for her!

Anabell in clothes!! Loving her paci still!

Anabell in clothes wide awake for daddy again!

Anabell with her matching hat in a food coma!

Isabell missing mommy today! :(

Peek-A-Boo daddy! I know you're there!

Isabell on her cpap that made her foam at the mouth!

Daddy holding Isabell for the first time!

Mommy holding sleeping Anabell!