Tuesday, November 15, 2016

1 Week In

Who knew so much of your life could change in 1 week? A week ago right now I was sliding into a raging hot bathtub to deliver my baby. Today I wore a pair of jeans that I literally tried on a week and a half ago that had a 2 inch gap that I was not going to get to button no matter how much breath holding I did. A week and a half ago I swore I felt the baby kicking and had the girls rubbing my belly trying to feel it. Today the girls are crying because they miss their daddy, yesterday it was because they missed their teacher, the day before they missed someone else etc. etc. And one of these days they are going to be crying because they realize they miss their baby Toodles and that day is going to crush me.

Yesterday, exactly 1 week after we found out there was no heartbeat, I had to have my follow up appointment with my Dr. Man do I love him and his team, but man do they exhaust me. His nurse, that I've adored since the first day we met and discovered we were fellow preemie moms is just amazing. As she was leaving the room she told me she got an email last week and we must have been members at Immanuel at some time because she got a prayer request from a friend of hers there for us. She said she printed it out and put it on her fridge and she has been praying like crazy for us everyday. I started to tear up and just kept saying thank you, that means the world and before either of us could burst into ugly sobbing she quietly said goodbye and walked out of the room. My Dr came in a couple minutes later and said, hey, did my nurse tell you she got a prayer request for you? It was one of the few times that opened up the conversation to talk about my faith with him. Then I confused him because we had to discuss our future baby planning and I told him God smacked this baby in our face and if God smacks another one we'll go with it, if not I don't think so. My Dr., like everyone else I tell that too went wait a minute, I thought we just discussed this baby was planned? How exactly did God smack that in your face? So like everyone else, I explained our family was complete. Jim and I were happy with us and the girls and God just put it everywhere. Every time we opened the Bible we landed on verses about having children, and everywhere we looked were fathers and their sons and mothers and their sons and He just put it on our heart to have a son. Then my Dr opened up my file to see that the Placenta and Pathalogical test results were in. He read through them quick and said there really wasn't anything that gave him cause to concern, everything looked as it should for a baby that had passed away in the womb, especially if it was 4 weeks ago. He did mention that they didn't find any internal sex organs so it was likely a boy, but we wouldn't be positive until the genetic testing comes back. So while some people are struggling with this baby was a "God thing" I can't really explain how else Jim and I knew from the start we were getting pregnant and we were having a son. That's exactly what God put on our hearts and that's exactly what he gave us. But back to the appointment. I started out saying it was exhausting... and it was. I absolutely adore my Dr but part of what I love is that he is usually so straightforward, matter of fact, does his research and knows what he's talking about, not emotionless but similar to me needs to warm up a little. His motto is he gives you 3 options, 1, what he thinks is best 2 the option he doesn't recommend and 3 the middle option and lets you choose, but he always has every bit of info for each to help you make your own informed decision. Love that! But I seen it last week and I seen it again yesterday, this wasn't easy for him either. I guess in my head, I thought like this is just part of the job, it sucks, but they would just move on, especially when I've literally seen this Dr. like 4 times before last week, he doesn't really know me, he'll be fine. But maybe it's not that easy and part of his healing process I'm guessing is he needed to hash out every detail of the last 20 weeks and every appointment we had and I had and try to find an answer somewhere. While I've accepted we lost our baby to an umbilical chord accident, he maybe hasn't. I've relived every moment 1,000 times in my head and nowhere did I find blame in him, in myself, in anything anyone did. It was a freak accident, it sucks, but it's an answer. So many people lose a baby and have no answers. We get one, whether it's true or not (don't google umbilical chord strangulation/deaths etc because it will tell you like a less than 1% chance that is what happens and Dr's use it as an easy answer) but I seen it with my own eyes, I untangled it with my Dr myself, it was real. So whether it was the cause of death or an after effect maybe doesn't matter, because it gave us something. But it is exhausting trying to put on a happy face and failing and having someone trying to make it ok when sometimes it's just not and it's exhausting spending 45 minutes reliving the best and worst moments of your life. So anyways, I'm glad that's over and I have 3 to 4 weeks before I have to see him again, thank you antidepressants or I would have a year before I'm due for THE womanly check up. Might have to go back to my old Dr for that one, but I have some time to not be depressed by the sight of my Dr. 

So beyond my appointment yesterday, here's where I'm at 1 week later. Am I hurting? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. Do hugs still make me cry? If you hugged me Sunday you know, if not... yes. Am I sleeping? No. But man have I been productive in the hours of midnight to 6am I've read books... like I haven't had time to read a book in 4 years and I read a whole book the other night and it was lovely! I spent 1 night watching YouTube videos of Christian women speakers. Somehow ended up watching 3 hours of 3 different sermons on King David and Samuel 1 by 3 different speakers. Know what I couldn't find in all my YouTube and Google searching that night? A popular Christian woman talking about a miscarriage or loss of a baby. Why does a simple search not bring up 100s of stories? I know I'm not the only one, I can't be! Most of my circle or friends and acquaintances have had a miscarriage. I can't even tell you how many women have shared their story with me since I shared last week. Why aren't we talking about them? If someone else won't... guess what, I will! I have no filter, if I'm going through something I write about it. It's healing. Do I regret my post last week? Yes and no. I don't regret being open about what we went through, but your love and support overwhelms me. I literally just want to spend a day in my pjs, or for those that know me better you know what I mean...no shower, ugly crying, with a Pepsi and bag of Doritos in my bed and maybe some doughnuts, but I constantly have people stopping by, calling, texting, messaging. I love you all so much, and am totally blown away by all the love and support we are receiving, but it's so overwhelming. At the same time, I tried doing a day by myself with the girls and by 10am all 3 of us were at each other's throats and done for the day. So do I know what I want? I'm still a girl, so no. But the big one... am I ok? Yes! So 2 blog posts ago I told you all how we got to having this baby and I ended it with "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now, I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord." 1 Samuel 27-28. I didn't just write that because it was a cute Bible verse I found fitting to our situation. I wrote that because I had prayed on it so many times in the months before getting pregnant and my whole pregnancy and I believed in it and I still do. Every last word is His truth and I find comfort in that. God put this baby on our hearts and we gave it all to Him and His glory. We knew from the start it was for Him, that if it was for us, we wouldn't have tried for it, we were content where we were. As soon as we found out we were pregnant Jim and I talked and talked and talked about how this child was for God and His glory and that we had to remember that, that was why I wrote that blog post. I wanted to share what God was doing in our lives. And it's why I'm continuing to write about it now. Jim and I are so proud that we have no idea what God's plan is right now, but just that we get to be used for it. His plan is so much bigger than us, and I know we listened to Him, and I know we followed Him, and I know this hurts, but He wouldn't have done this if there wasn't something bigger in store for us. I have no idea what that plan is, I might have an inkling, but I'm just going to keep listening to Him and see where He leads us. A wise hugger I've talked to lately mentioned to remember that "something big" might not seem that big, but if only 1 person walks away from us and our story and got something from it we did "something big." How true is that? My biggest fear I mentioned before was to not leave this situation bitter, if 1 other person leaves a similar situation with the same frame of mind because of me, I have done God's work and for that I'm so blessed and so lucky and so grateful to be a part of that. So while I'm sad and hurting, and overwhelmed and not sleeping, I am in such a good place with our situation. I'm not angry at anyone, not even God, I'm not bitter, I'm not playing the blame game, there's no ugly in our situation. I'm still excited for our future, I know right now it doesn't include Toodles, but instead of us teaching him about this world, someday he will get to teach us about Heaven. How cool is that? How many times does the Bible tell us not to be of this world that our God has so much more in store for us? Toodles knows that, he will never experience the hurt, the anger, the just plain evil of this world and when all that is washed away and Jim and I and the girls feel lost in Heaven, Toodles will be there. Toodles can guide us as we learn about God's perfect plan. And in the meantime, I'm still excited to see what God has in store for our futures on Earth. 

I still have so much more to say and share, but I'm just going to stop here for now. Thank you everyone for your kind words about my writing, but as much as I enjoy that you enjoy it... it really is a huge part of my healing and right now I NEED it. I can type 100 times faster than I can write, so with 2 busy little ladies, I need fast. I have always loved writing and some people probably remember my 20-30 page "notes" in middle and high school and this is just an upgrade from that. Thank you for reading it and hopefully someone is getting something out of it, because that is the goal of why I share it publicly versus just having a journal on my computer. So again, thank you.
God's blessing on all of you.
Love, Heather, Jim, Anabell, Isabell and Toodles

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