I will give the good news first! Isabell finally made it off her breathing tube last night! We happened to be right there when they took it out and started her on the cpap! It was the scariest moment in my life! She wasn't going for it at first and we watched her oxygen levels keep going up and down. Finally they found her happy place and she remained stable and her oxygen levels were stable. So 1 more hurdle done for her! They had their head ultrasounds yesterday which came back perfectly normal, no bleeding in their brains. They stayed off the photo therapy yesterday but are back on it today which is to be expected. They will probably go back and forth for a couple weeks on that. Overall the girls are doing great!
Mommy on the other hand... not as great... It started later Sunday night I got a slight fever. It went away right away but I knew it wasn't a good thing. I was able to go into the NICU but had to wear a mask. Then super early yesterday morning I went to drop off my milk and didn't even think about it, but knew I didn't have a fever so I didn't put a mask on but as soon as I got near the girls their nurse yelled at me that I couldn't be in there without a mask. Things got a little twisted and confusing from there. They knew I was on antibiotics and knew I had a fever, but they didn't know what I have is not contagious. So I was only allowed in the NICU yesterday with a mask on and was unable to touch them. It was the worst day ever. I cried everytime I went to see them and cried most the day in general. Finally yesterday evening I sent Jim to talk to the NICU doctor and see when I would be able to touch them again. They said after I had been on the antibiotics for 24 hours, after checking with the nurse I practically ran down there! That was when they put Isabell on the CPAP so I was under the impression she was off limits for awhile. After watching that though I was able to hold Anabell. I had to wear a mask, gloves and this suit thing. It wasn't kangaroo care, I just held her all wrapped up like a normal baby and it made my day! She kept her eyes open most the time I was holding her and I just talked and talked while she watched me! I think it's probably too early, but I swear she smiled a couple times! After that the guilt set in though and I cried some more. I felt horrible that I could hold Anabell but couldn't even touch Isabell. I don't want Isabell to be left out or ever doubt how much she is loved and cared for and I feel like she gets that when we are touching her. Later last night Jim did kangaroo care with Anabell and when he put her back she started crying like usual. Then again I felt horrible and cried and cried because the normal reaction when a baby cries is to run and hold them and make them feel better, but we can't do that. Its horrible hearing a baby cry in general but when its yours and there is nothing you can do to make her feel better, nothing breaks your heart more. So I sat between her with Jim trying to calm her in her incubator and Isabell being all alone and balled and balled and finally walked out and went back to my room. Just writing about this is making me cry again! ah!
I guess I went in a different direction in that last paragraph and never covered what all is wrong with me... I have an infection in the fluid build up/swelling on my tummy. I think they are calling it cellulitis? Usually that comes from the incision site from the c-section but mine looks great! My swelling has gotten so much worse since delivery! My left foot is the worst and gets just massive! They put me on Lasix (sp?) yesterday to try and get me to pee some of this fluid out. It helped at first but there is just so much it barely made an impact. They gave me another one this morning but I think its similar to yesterday and will help but not fix anything. My blood pressure has still been a problem since delivery it has gotten worse actually. They are trying to mess with meds to balance it out but haven't been to successful yet. Then I thought I got a zit on my lip on Saturday or Sunday and found out yesterday that it is a cold sore. So now I'm trying to figure out where in the world I got Herpes because I've never had one before. Then apologizing to Jim because by now I've given it to him. And worst of all, praying I didn't give it to Anabell when I did kangaroo care the other day. I can't quite remember if it was there before or after we did it and I kept giving her kisses. At least that one doesn't make me cry, it just pisses me off! So I started treatment for that yesterday too and that is part of the reason for the mask, so I don't have any contact between my lip and my babies. I think that was all of yesterday's medical problems.
Today has a whole new set of problems. I woke up at like 4am this morning shaking uncontrollably and drooling all over myself. I woke Jim up and had him get the nurse. I thought for sure I was having a seizure because I was completely clenched up and couldn't do anything. Turns out I was having what is called Rigors, which is usually accompanied by a higher fever. I had a mild fever but nothing that should have been that extreme. Everytime I've tried going back to sleep today I wake up shaking again. So I'm exhausted but I give up. They are putting me on another antibiotic to try and get the cellulitis under control. Despite being on antibiotics for a couple days now it keeps spreading and getting worse. They are still trying to work on the swelling and may start me on a diuretic to keep me peeing more since the Lasix has a more immediate effect on the peeing and I need something to keep me going all day. I decided since I have the fever and I just need to start worrying about myself a little more I'm avoiding the NICU today. That probably won't last because as much as I hate all the mom's I've known who leave their babies alone in the NICU for days at a time I just can't be that person for a day even. I need to see them and know they are ok even if I have to suit up and be uncomfortable and not be able to touch them, just to watch them and know they are mine makes me feel a little better. Like I said before about Isabell, I NEVER want them to think they aren't loved and cared about more than anything in the world and that goes for Anabell as well! So we will see on that one, but I need to make some improvements before that happens.
The one bright side for me is that when I delivered I met with a lactation nurse. She gave me this sheet about how much you should aim to be pumping by so many days just so you can have a goal and keep up with it. Well the 10 day goal is 30+ ounces for twins. Well I hit that yesterday on day 4! I pumped 34.2 ounces! I've been pretty proud about how much I've been able to pump! The NICU keeps some in the fridge, then some in the freezer and after you have quite the stock in the freezer they ask you to start keeping it frozen at home... well I started my freezer supply yesterday too! Its all the nurses and everyone can talk about is how much I've been pumping! It feels good to be doing something so wonderful and important for the girls that nobody else can do for them. I know we made it farther than expected and everything, but I still can't help feeling like I failed them in pregnancy so anything I can do now to make it up to them I want to be able to do. I'm kinda hoping if I can keep up with it like this, by time they come home I will have quite the supply built up and can rely on that. I'm all about stocking up on anything I can think of and before this the best I had going was diapers, but this is way cheaper! I have kind of been slacking today on the pumping though, but that is because I've been getting up during the night to continuously pump every 2-3 hours as recommended and I decided to try and get a little sleep since its been coming in so well. So I probably won't hit 30 ounces again today, but I still will have plenty! On that note, I should pump, and I do need to eat something today, and maybe try napping again and hope for no more shakes! I was supposed to be discharged on Monday but I'm starting to wonder if the girls will go home before me at this rate! They keep doing better and better and I keep getting worse and worse! Argh!
Please keep up the prayers for us! They have done so much for us already, look at our amazing little girls! But they can't hurt anything now. Thank you! God bless!
Love- Heather, Jim, Anabell and Isabell
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